Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
Randomize
