woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
we were sitting in the bathtub when she came in with her grandpas cane adn beat us until lindsay passed out
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
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