A joint and a Nerds Rope = breakfast of champions for the unemployed
that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
Randomize
