I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
I feel like I shouldn't be encouraging my friends to hook up with their teachers.....but if it's for academic reasons....then I definitely encourage it.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
