none of my boyfriends are responding right now, I thought I had enough to avoid this problem
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
I enjoyed our heart to heart in the trunk on the way to the stripclub
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize
