2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
Randomize
