Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
Randomize
