it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
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