shes wearing a jean skirt, its frayed. i got this
As a matter of fact my bong is named Hulkamania brother
Capitaan dildo arrescate!
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
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