I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
BTW I totally understand panda express being popular amongst the highs. I can feel the shrimp being slaughtered in my mouth. It's fantastic.
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
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