absolutely 100% incorrect. and i love you more you silk skinned goddess
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
What can i say im a girl who smells like weiners.
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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