i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
She has the best kind of daddy issues
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
