If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
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