My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
lets put it this way..we'd win on tool academy
he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Randomize
