I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
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