His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
I guess when I black out I feel that it's not inappropriate to grope my gf in front of her parents.... But hey at least I'm starting off 2013 single
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
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