were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
Can you recommend a quality dick? I haven’t had a good sexing in a while
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