Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
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