i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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