everyone is single if you try hard enough
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
I'm assuming you were here at some stage because I woke up alone, clean and in a towel with mum asking my why my shoes, dress and jewellery were in the bottom of the shower.
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
Randomize
