So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
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