Wow, t9 really hates the phrase "slap her in her sanctimonious pie-hole."
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
Randomize
