I wanna bring you to show and tell
I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
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