i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
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