my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
Randomize
