He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
I passed out on my porch last night. I'm still making it to class. This is what growing up means.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
Randomize
