Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
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he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
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I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
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