I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
Randomize
