Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
i swear to god. if they dont have practically DTF written on their foreheads, or a glowstick in their hands, strictly no entry.
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
I took did three shots of fireball and did and handstand. When I stood up some busty slut lead me my the hand down the hall into her dorm room.
But I'm sure your having and "a monumentally better time" repeating the 12th grade
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
Randomize
