You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
Do the low cut shirt test. If he stares at your tits even in front of your brother, he's down.
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
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