Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
Should I text him? Life is confusing when you actually like someone instead of just wanting to blow them.
seems the shocker is way more shocking if u get the fingers wrong
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
