If i need to get strippers involved i will.
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
Randomize
