If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
you're kinda like the weird girl from The Breakfast Club after the makeover. i mean you're pretty, but you're still weird as fuck
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
I don't know what to think. Also, I decided to take a bath...sorry in advance if I flood the bathroom.
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
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