I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
this islike a room full of reasons why i should be in prison
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
Randomize
