She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
I don't know..He walked out of your room with a kraft single..and blood on his shirt...He really wanted cheese.
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
Randomize
