Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
You had me at "let me see your balls"
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
Randomize
