Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
i just threw up ON my final. epic way to end the semester.
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
ARE YOU THINKING VAGINA THEMED RESTAURANT
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
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