Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
They glued all of the ceiling tiles shut.
oh my god. you caused complete remodeling to a college campus that you don't even go to
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
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