God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
You know I'm really starting to enjoy being everyones first gay experience
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
Kinda felt bad though cuz she whimpered and shuttered a lot, i felt like i was kicking a puppy, only the puppy liked it and came a bunch
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
Randomize
