the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
There is a time and place for BDSM, in-between disney sing-alongs is not one of them.
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
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