Seriously, stop being so datable w your movie/song prefs
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
he suggested i make a website called "cum on molly's face", to "start off my acting career"
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
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