I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
So how does it feel getting boo'd by the entire 5 guys restaurant
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
Randomize
