now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
I almost forgot to feel shameful, if that answers your question.
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
Randomize
