Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
someone owes me an orgasm
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
she just made some guy spank her... then made some chick take a running start and spank her.
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
Randomize
