Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
No, you can still breathe under the balls.
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
its 4am. iam sitting in the luggage car of the train eating beef jerkey. i feel like a hobo.
dont insult. no hobo is as pathetic as you.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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