Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
Randomize
