i feel rough
just turned on the light, there is blood EVERYWHERE.
Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
So I pulled my t-shirt down, pushed my boobs up and marched right into that church!
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
you missed a midterm to shack? WOW. How desperate are you?
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Randomize
