Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
Randomize
