he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
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