I just applied for an unsubsidized loan naked. I love the internet.
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
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