i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
Btw, I feel the need to make sure we have no misunderstanding about this. So here goes. I'll happily mess around with you again. However, I probably won't do it while you're dressed like a creepy clown. Or any clown.
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
Randomize
