i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
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