I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
I'd hate to be 100% hetero. Pretty sure they have less orgies
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
I'm pretty sure "tag teaming" and "looking for stability" are not synonymous.
Not yet.
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
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