you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
Randomize
